Tuesday, May 25, 2010

of tentworms and disgust

The tale grew in the telling, until it became a history of The Great War of the Massive Black Flies, and included many glimpses of the yet more ancient history that preceded it.

Long ago, in the northern regions of the upper mid-northwest Lower Michigan, there was a baseball field.

The field was happy, for untold legions of Malacosoma lived there, feasting on fat, sun-burned children in the dugouts. One day, the Red people came in to the area and inhabited the baseball field. The Malacosoma near where the Red people lived were exterminated (very neatly, I might add, by cognatively-challenged umpires), but all the other worms were allowed to continue to thrive, keeping the baseball field happy.

The Red people were bored one day and had to come up with entertainment for themselves (Deliverance: the Final Out was supposed to be on HBO that night, but got pre-empted by the documentary Tentworms in the Mist, which they'd seen a hundred-million times before. )

So the Red people said: "Let us invite the Blue people over for dinner."

And, of course, what they really meant was "Let us invite the Blue people over, to be feasted upon by the Malacosoma, Massive Black Flies, Gnats, Gnomes, and Yellow Jackets!" To which all the Red people ceremoniously errupted "AMEN!"

As the Day of Delight (which it has been called ever since) was approaching, representatives of the Malacosoma sought out the Chieftains of the Red people: "In thy mercy, we wouldst beseach of thee, to turnest up the thermostat, so that each and every of the Massive Black Flies, Gnats, Gnomes, and Yellow Jackets wouldst be at their hungriest and fiercest, for this festive occassion."

The Chieftains of the Red people consulted and, in the end, it was decided. "So let it be written, so let it be done."

And so, the final preparations for the Day of Deliverance (as it has been called) were being completed: Scores of Malacosoma were pouring remains of their own kind over all the fenceposts for the Massive Black Flies to appetize on, others were reinforcing the cables for the aerial assault, and still others were debating the correct angle at which to enter the eye of the One-holding-the-metal-club (this, it must be said, created quite a controversy; veteran Gnats who had seen many Gnat-hours in the air, concurred with the 73 degree approach, as they were taught. Younger, more arrogant Yellow Jackets did not really agree to a set angle, they were far too much the 'freelance' type, in their humble opinion).

As expected, the heat was unbearable on Devil's Day (as it is still called). Chewing gum that had long been in isostatic cryostate was actually flowing. Massive Black Flies, Gnats, Gnomes, and Yellow Jackets all were at the height of ferocity. The rest of the gory details will be spared in this narrative; suffice it to say that the vicious cycle of sweaty Blue people attracting Malacosoma attracting swats of hands causing guts on skin attracting Massive Black Flies producing profound vernacular profanities did not end, even in the midst of the O'Connor Ejection (this tale is told elsewhere) and the Fitch Meltdown (this tale has been banned from the archives, even the mere mention of it puts me at risk of retalliation by Jihadist FundaNephalists).

In the end, the Blue people retreated into their Large Rolling Cheese and departed, defeated and scarred.

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